ShareThis1 |
Be with my mom, who was admitted to ER then ICU on Fri 2009-11-20. |
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I'll stay with her, work with medical staff, make decisions about how aggressive they should be in emergency treatment, etc. Success: Going through the process, staying calm, feeling the feelings, and working to stay curious. |
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When a stable condition emerges, either terminal, getting her back into her house, into nursing home, etc. |
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Will appreciate family and friends (I live in MA but she is in IL), read books, work if possible, and enter observations into Edison. |
Created Nov 23, 2009
| Category
Family/Parenting
Tags stress, illness, trouble breathing, life, death, uncertainty, love, mom, mother
Tags stress, illness, trouble breathing, life, death, uncertainty, love, mom, mother
Comments & Observations
Matthew Cornell Working while she's in limbo is a challenge - hard to get my head in the game.
Nov 23, 2009
Matthew Cornell Boy, there are a ton of opportunities to sit with uncomfortable feelings, here. Micro example: Watching her feeding herself. I found I was hovering, apparently doing too much. Her communication is garbled, but "You're bothering me" came through pretty clear ;-) A small spike of hurt feelings, then perspective: Of course - any of us would want to get back to normal asap.
Nov 23, 2009
Matthew Cornell Pretty fried today after spending most of it with mom at the hospital. It helps to get perspective - other parts of my life are so rich. For example, this wonderful Edison 1.0 project. Thanks everyone.
Nov 24, 2009
Matthew Cornell As experiments go, the questions to engage my curiosity are tough, but recording them here helps:
o will my mom survive this event?
o how long will it take for the answer to emerge?
o if she lives, what will her new reality health-wise be?
And so on
Nov 24, 2009
Matthew Cornell When considering whether this is an experiment vs simply a diary, I decided the former: I've never done anything like this before, and I welcome help from ttl. It still functions as the latter, though. Why not?
Nov 24, 2009
Matthew Cornell Mom has been a heck of a trooper through this. No complaints, keeping her sense of humor, always saying thank you, and even giving out compliments. I'm proud of her. I hope I'm as positive when my time comes.
Nov 24, 2009
Matthew Cornell Ok, so she passed away early this am. I was with her and had to make some pretty big medical decisions. It helped a lot to remind myself and others that I had never done this before. "I'm new at this." has freeing power. Once someone dies, there's a standard process, but one that's novel to me, eg who takes the body. Luckily, the local funeral home guy is great. I learned that, in leiu of first hand experience, reading and doing research helps. Even better, though, is an experienced guide.
Nov 25, 2009
Myles Matt I am so sorry. If there is anything we can do please let us know. Please give our best to Dave.
Nov 26, 2009
Matthew Cornell Hey Myles, thanks very much. You guys are great.
Here's another thing that, while common wisdom, hit me a bit differently when looking at the process from the TTL perspective: The value of getting advice, experiences, and support from intrepid experimenters who have gone through this before. When we get many thousands of users, I can see value in simply reading past similar experiments and learning and being comforted by their observations. This is cool.
Nov 26, 2009
Lizzy Matt, when my grandmother passed several years ago my mom, sister and I were there with her. It had been many years since I had seen her, so I was very thankful to have been there. That you all were there with your mom was a very special and wonderful gift.
And sharing your story and experiences with us here on edison has been very powerful.
Nov 26, 2009
Matthew Cornell Taking care of her estate - selling house, car, emptying contents of house, legal stuff, etc. All big sub-experiments. I continue to get relief by reminding myself this is an experiment. "I've never done this before" or "I'm totally new at this" helps, including when I say it to others.
Nov 30, 2009
Matthew Cornell U wonder what class of experiments result in lessons learned primarily about oneself, rather than for use in similar activities in the past? This one, for me, is the former.
Dec 03, 2009
Matthew Cornell Boy, so many lessons learned. Ex: Be careful when going through papers related to accounts! Might be useful for transferring control, canceling accounts, or as documentation for selling the house. Also surprising are my emotions and stress reactions. Anger, resentment, and judgment showed up big-time today. I have to remind myself that this is an extremely stressful class of life event, and that I'm handling it well.
Dec 04, 2009
Matthew Cornell As expected, most of the lessons learned are personal - how I behave under the circumstances, how I deal with my less productive responces, etc. Anger toward my sibling, and confusion about how much processing is for me (vs is necessary for the project at this time). Whew! Keep reminding myself that the path so far is by definition the right one.
Dec 06, 2009
Matthew Cornell The greedy step siblings have entered the process. I'm shocked how inappropriately the are, trying to get some of my dead mom's posessions literally before she's in the ground. In-freaking-credible. This has really pissed me off, and is sucking up precious mental space that I need for taking care of my mom's wishes. Putting on my TTL hat, I'm activating my curiousity about these odd creatures. For ex, how far will they push the greed? Jeez!
Dec 07, 2009
Lizzy Wow, how will you maintain and healthy sense of detachment?
Dec 08, 2009
Matthew Cornell Good question, Liza. In this case I'm allowing myself to experience the feelings that come up, so detachment .. is not what I want now (?) I'm over a hump right now, which feels ok.
Dec 08, 2009
Lizzy Definitely. I meant with the relatives... how can you observe their behavior and react as though it is data?
Dec 09, 2009
Matthew Cornell Yes, I find it difficult to remove emotion when necessary - I know what you mean!
I'm closing out the experiment. I'm back in Amherst, the estate stuff is underway, and it feels like it's served its purpose. Thanks for the support, all.
Dec 09, 2009
Matthew Cornell Why is it so hard to give myself permission to take it easy? I find I'm pushing myself to blog, to work, and to get quickly back into things. But a mother's death is, in the scheme of things, a Big Deal. It's #5 on this list, for example: http://www.stresstips.com/lifeevents.htm
Dec 20, 2009
Lizzy Matt, that's a great observation. Building time into our lives for recovery of any kind is difficult. We often only plan for the best case scenario (a good strategy in general, I think) but when we run into setbacks (sickness, injury, family members, etc...) its hard to shift our thinking and schedule to accommodate the new landscape.
I will try to remember your idea of giving yourself permission to take it easy.
Dec 21, 2009
Matthew Cornell The stress eating has been a bit out if control his last week+, not surprisingly. Getting a handle on it today, some.
Dec 22, 2009
Tom I just joined Edison this morning and this thread is the first I chose to read, as it is a current reality for my family. Thank you so very much for sharing your story. It provides a "lab" view of what may be ahead in the coming month for me. How have things been since two months ago when you last wrote?
My condolences and gratitude to you,
Feb 22, 2011
Matthew Cornell Thanks very much, Tom. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I've been been regularly surprised by my grieving process - different from what I expected, which is why I thought to treat it experimentally. At this point I think about my mom every day or two, with a sense of loss and sadness. The overall impact of being what someone pointed out as an adult orphan is a much sharper and keener sense of my mortality. I'm using it to prevent as much regret as possible by appreciating daily all that I have in my life, esp. the people close to me. Also overall, the impact has been much deeper and longer than I expected.
Thanks for joining Edison, and for your comment.
Feb 22, 2011