1 What will you do? |
For at least week I will live as if my marriage was still happy.
Background: For the past couple of months my marriage has not been doing well. My wife and I have tried this an that to find a way "back to normal" - but it hasn´t worked out. Now, as a kind of last resort, we´re going to try "doing as if". We are going to "pretend" loving each other like in the beginng - and we´ll see if that´s gonna make a difference. Maybe that sounds crazy - but, hey, we´ve nothing to lose, right? Maybe we´ll get "back into the rhythm".
Note: Why do I make this a public experiment? Because I think I can gain more from it than giving up privacy will cost. This way I maybe can share valuable insight with others in similar situations. |
2 How will you test your idea and measure success? |
After a week we´ll discuss how our feelings have changed. If we´re feeling better, if tender, loving feelings have been ignited, we´re gonna continue the experiment ;-) |
3 How will you know you are done? |
We´ll call the experiment done, if we think our feelings are back on a level we were used to before the crisis.
However we´ll also have to check if no old problems are just hidden. But basically we need to trust our emotions. So it will be a gut decision. |
4 How will you enjoy the journey? |
Well, we will certainly do quite a few fun things during this week :-)
In any case, even if in the end we fail, finding out what is right for us, will be enjoyable. |
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Comments & Observations
Ralf Westphal We started the experiment today by jokingly talking about a lot of things we could do for the last time together, e.g. see a movie, do some cooking, go shopping, go to our favorite place. That felt good. It was a playful mood - although the situation of course was dead serious.
This way, however, I at least was able to be at the same time close to my wife, and maintain a certain distance. (Yes, I´m the one who is making trouble ;-) I grew dissatisfied with out marriage.)
Aug 25, 2010
Lizzy Ralf, thanks for sharing this very personal experiment. Agreed, if it helps others and we learn along the way, then we are all thankful. I would go as far as to say that the learning is all the matters. A teacher recently gave me some great advice, she said "Who is to say what is good or bad? It's what we do with the knowledge that matters". Do we soften, do we grow, do we become brittle?
Aug 25, 2010
Brock Tice Hi Ralf -- I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes. I've been through similar things, as I'm sure have many people, due to various stressors on relationships. Even if it doesn't end up working out, you'll surely have new insights for the future, and we may get to share in them!
Aug 26, 2010
Ralf Westphal Realized that it´s easier to "pretend" in email/chat than on the phone. Also easier to respond in a "pretending" way than to do it actively. (By "pretend" I do not mean lying but making an effort to be as "back to normal" as possible.)
Aug 26, 2010
Ralf Westphal I like the feeling of trying out "being in love" - but without really needing to be. This allows for playfulness; takes pressure out of the system. It allows for errors: maybe I do something and neglect my own needs, or I do something and neglect my wife´s needs. Since we´re "just" trying "to be together like normal" this seems to be more ok than usually.
Aug 27, 2010
Matthew Cornell Thank you so much for sharing, Ralf. I think your approach is novel and mature - good for you and your wife for trying it.
Aug 29, 2010
Ralf Westphal The weekend was pretty intense. So much time to "act normally". This worked out fine, though. Observation #1: Even if the goal is to "live happily as if" (to ignite love again or to at least come closer to the truth of the relationship) that does not mean to be all easy, smooth, without conflicting views. Since "ordinary" marriage partly consists of conflicts this week of "as if" should not try to close them out. Rather it´s a chance to try out new ways to deal with conflicts. "Pretending" does not work if you give up yourself - even if that means. If means trying harder than usual to not let conflicts drive you away. It means trying harder to find a way back into the relationship.
Aug 30, 2010
Ralf Westphal Weekend oberservation #2: Sometimes it took me conscious effort to do something like "when being in love". But then, once I "remembered" this or that would be nice/"normal" and did it... it wasn´t hard to do. It even felt nice. However... part of the ensuing good feeling stemed from knowing that this was just the week of "pretending". It kinda felt like doing something during a vacation. You live in a tent, you get soaked by rain, you work on a farm, you travel with some people you met on your trip... that´s all nice and well for one or two weeks of vacation. You enjoy a simpler life, you enjoy unusual working, you enjoy being close to other people... but in the end what makes this enjoyable is the knowledge this is not how you need to live the rest of the year. Even though I really like camping I wouldn´t want to exchange my lovely home for a tent. Even though I like to clean the stable of our horse 2-3 times a week I wouldn´t want to live on a farm.
This "vacation feeling" befell me during the weekend. I realized I could enjoy activities with my wife because, well, they were like "vacation activities". The option (I don´t want to say outlook) of not needing to live like that for longer periods of time felt relaxing.
Aug 30, 2010
Matthew Cornell Rich stuff, Ralf. Thanks for the observations - they make me think. For example, when you're in the wet tent, you might dream of a dry bed. But then again, the adventure is part of the fun of it. With your experiment, I can imagine the opposite might happen, akin to that last day after a two week vacation where you don't want to return to reality. Looks like it's generating some good data.
Aug 30, 2010
Ralf Westphal I realize, that if you agree to behave in a certain way ("pretending") for a certain time, then this period explicitly ends and you have to face you need to talk about the experience. You need to sit down and decide - something at least. This puts pressure on the relationship; positive pressure that is, I´d say. It moves the relationship forward (in some direction) - be it into continuation or towards ending it.
Aug 31, 2010
Matthew Cornell How'd this end up, Ralf? Did you have that sit-down discussion? What was the result of the experiment? Will you continue it? Very curious..
Sep 16, 2010
Ralf Westphal Thx for asking, Matthew: I´d say the experiment was a success. It helped us to "pretend". It gave us room to be as we are. And it helped to realize what´s important to us. I, for example, realized that I do not want to live in a marriage where either partner is dependent on the other. If I could not envision myself living alone, there is little chance of having a happy marriage. Reason: You never know why your partner is still there. Is is because of you - or because there is no alternative for him/her.
Also reserving at least 1h each week to talk, to reflect was very important (you could even call it a retrospective). But you need to really keep this appointment. Time and space need to be their to let anything happen in conversation. It´s a tool to make yourself more transparent to the other.
All in all we´re doing much better now. I probably shoud close this experiment. A new phase, a new experiment has started :-)
Sep 17, 2010
Brock Tice Congrats, sounds like you learned a lot!
Sep 17, 2010